6. Avoid the Path of Destruction
7. Unsuccessful vs. Successful Single
Part 5 - Getting Started
You may be wondering, “How exactly do I become a successful single?” Here are several suggestions to help you get started.
• Begin by looking at being single as a voluntary choice rather than a forced situation.
Mary Engelbreit said, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."
It becomes much easier to deal with singleness if you look at it as a voluntary choice instead of something that you're forced into. When something is forced upon us, we tend to look at it with resentment. This is what makes it difficult to come to terms with being single. Think about how you would feel if your boss told you to work on an assignment or project you didn't really care for. You might feel a bit of resentment. Think about how you would feel if you took the initiative to work on that same assignment without your boss asking you first. You would have a more pleasant view in dealing with the assignment.
Are you in control of your singleness, or is your singleness in control of you? When you can convince yourself that being single is your choice, you will become more willing and able to work through any hardships associated with singleness, and you will see new opportunities this situation can bring.
• Develop a support system
This means that you should try to find others that can relate to you –
single people of the same gender. Talk with someone about your feelings –
anger, sorrow, and other emotions - even though it may be difficult.
It helps when you can have someone to talk to that knows what you’re going
through. You’ve probably tried talking to your friends that are married (or
dating) about your troubles with singleness and all you get is something
like, “It will happen someday.”, “You’ll just have to wait.”, “There’s
someone out there for everyone.”, "It will happen when you least expect
it.", and other such rhetoric. You know they mean well, but it’s hard to
believe statements like that. Another single person will know where you’re
coming from and they will be more likely to listen. Try to find someone that
will be objective and not just tell you what you want to hear.
I
would be happy to be part of your support system. You are welcome to
contact me if you want to share anything regarding the issues of being
single. (See the Contact page.)
• Fill the time
Distraction is another way to take your mind off of being single. Look at
hobbies or do-it-yourself projects you can take up. Consider taking classes or workshops. If
you’re part of a church, find ways you can get more involved. Find
opportunities to volunteer in your community (e.g., hospitals, nursing
homes, Red Cross, Salvation Army, shelters, food pantries, etc.) Think
of things that you might want to learn or may have even the slightest
interest in and see what’s available in those areas. Be proactive and
take the initiative to organize something that you could include others in. You may not be able to change your singleness, but you can change what
occupies your time. Basically the point here is - don't do something about your
singleness, do something with your singleness. Focusing on your
strengths and abilities will help you to heal.
In addition to filling time, these kinds of things can enrich you as a person, increase your self-esteem, and bring you more happiness. They are also good ways to meet people. Remember that your happiness must start with you. Learning how to create happiness on your own is a key part of building self-confidence. Singleness can be a time for many opportunities. Your time as a single person may be the only time that you have to fulfill your dreams. Don't waste it away.
John Stuart Mill said, "Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness: on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming at something else, they find happiness by the way."
Bottom line: You
can create your own happiness and take care of yourself. You don't
need anyone else to do that for you.
• Seek counseling
For some, the singleness problem may have worn them down so much that
professional help is required. There is no shame in having to seek
counseling. The right counseling can help you overcome the problems that
you’re facing and help make you become satisfied with who you are.
Counseling also gives you someone to talk to that will allow you to say what
is on your mind. Keep in mind that you may have to try several
different counselors before you can find one that works for you, but don't
let that discourage you. Also, use existing supports groups of family,
friends, and church. Accepting help from community programs and
resources is healthy.
• Be thankful for what you have
It’s easy to focus on what we don’t have and take what we do have for granted.
It’s not uncommon to be depressed about being single. But are things really that
bad? Instead of thinking about what you don’t have, take a look at what you
do have and be thankful. Be thankful for things such as having a job,
a home, a car, a family, and anything else that means something to you -
down to the smallest detail. In a day and
age when there are so many bad things in the news, we find that we really do
have a lot to be thankful for.
When you begin to be thankful for what you have, you won’t be disappointed by the temporary things that you don’t have. A thankful person looks at what he has and feels fortunate, while an ungrateful person looks at what he doesn’t have and becomes bitter. If you become overly concerned with what you don't have, you'll miss out on opportunities life can offer.
In his book “Happiness is a Serious Problem”, Dennis Prager writes, "All happy people are grateful, and ungrateful people cannot be happy. We tend to think that it is being unhappy that leads people to complain, but it is truer to say that it is complaining that leads to people becoming unhappy. Become grateful and you will become a much happier person."
Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have.
These are just a few suggestions on how you can get started on your way to becoming a successful single. Being single comes with its fair share of problems. The key is knowing how to handle them constructively. The next section will explain what can happen if you fail to properly take care of the problems.
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