6. Avoid the Path of Destruction
7. Unsuccessful vs. Successful Single
Part 6 - Avoid the Path of Destruction
When it comes to dealing with being single, you must take control of the problems before the problems take control of you. If you allow singleness to be a continual problem, it will lead you on a path of destruction, and the further into that path you go, the harder it will be to get out.
I remember when I was a kid, I was watching this cartoon where a character put a marble-sized snowball at the top of a snowy hill and rolled it down. As the snowball rolled down the hill, it got bigger and bigger, and when it reached the bottom of the hill, the snowball was huge, and it pummeled the character at the bottom of the hill. A path of destruction is like this snowball. The problem starts out small. If you fail to take care of the problem, it will get bigger and bigger, then it will pummel you.
The following is an explanation of what may happen if you allow these problems to persist.
1. It becomes an obsession.
You become obsessed with the idea of finding someone. It takes over your thoughts and begins to affect your ability to think rationally. You constantly dwell on your singleness. More and more of your time and efforts are expended on trying to find someone. At this stage, you have become a slave to your singleness.
2. You make bad decisions.
At this stage, you begin making risky decisions with the intent to find someone - decisions that you would have never even considered before. You know deep down inside that such decisions are not rational, but you justify them with the hopes that you might end up finding someone. There are many decisions that can fall under this category.
In 1998, I had reached this stage on the path of destruction. I was desperate and didn’t know any better. The personal ad section of the newspaper caught my eye and I thought I’d give it a try. Placing ads were free, so I placed one and waited for responses to be left. And waited... And waited... So I figured I had to take a more active approach, so I started leaving responses to ads – through their 900 number. (Remember when those were all over the place?) I figured one call lasting a few minutes wouldn’t hurt. But here's the thing - this was a business trying to make money. They wanted callers to stay on the line as long as possible. One of their tactics was to have more ads than what was shown in the newspaper, and they were only available by calling, thus staying on the line longer. I never got any calls back from the messages I left. As new ads shuffled in, I gave in to the temptation to keep calling. The end result was that I had to pay through the nose and it got me absolutely nowhere.
Online dating is now the big thing aimed at singles, and as businesses trying to make money, online dating site managers know exactly which buttons of ours to push. In 2005, online dating made up the second largest segment of "paid content" on the web, netting over $500 million from United States residents.[1]
The other major bad decision I had made during 1998 was attempting long distance relationships with people I met people online. That only required a local call to connect to my Internet provider. (Remember having to dial-up to connect to the Internet?) In order to expand my possibilities, I decided to look for people not only in my city, but also in other cities within what I thought was a reasonable distance. (I once attempted to date someone that was about 170 miles from me. I did go to meet her for a weekend, but I was pretty much either ignored or treated like an inconvenience the whole time. I later found out that she started dating someone the day after I left, which I believed was her premeditated plan.) Again, this all came down to a money issue. It cost to travel to my destination and back, and the long distance phone calls cost as well. None of my long distance attempts worked. The end result was that I had to pay through the nose and it got me absolutely nowhere. It was like déjà vu all over again. Nowadays, when it comes to long distance relationships, I avoid them. I know some can make it work, but my personal opinion is that it’s a risk not worth taking, especially with gas prices being what they are.
Remember that you are responsible for your decisions. You should make your decisions very carefully. Realistically consider what chance your plan has of succeeding, and what consequences are involved. Being desperate to find someone is not an excuse for making impulsive risky decisions.
3. Your lose your self-esteem.
The next step is that your self-esteem is lowered. It is at this stage when things can really start to go downhill. As your self-esteem gets lower, you reinforce your belief in the myth that you cannot be happy without a relationship. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and you will subconsciously create a miserable life for yourself, then blame it on the fact that you are single.
4. You settle for less than what you know you deserve.
Maureen Dowd said, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” At this stage, you begin settling for less than what you deserve. This can take various forms. The most common is that you may feel that it's just not possible to have a satisfying life, and resign yourself to hopelessness and despair.
Another type of settling for less than you deserve is being involved in unhealthy relationships. You may end up meeting someone but you later find out that person isn’t right for you. Instead of putting an end to the situation, you settle for the unsatisfactory relationship thinking that it’s better than no relationship at all – which isn’t true. Being single is a much better alternative than being with someone who is clearly wrong for you. Being involved in relationships that you find questionable, disappointing, or frustrating only lead to more discouragement and aggravation.
In the past, I had attempted relationships that were nothing but a source of frustration. Later on in 1998, I ended up talking with someone that had Borderline Personality Disorder (I’m not making that up; she had all the signs) and at times was verbally abusive to me on the phone. (It should be noted that not all Borderline Personality Disorder sufferers are abusive.) Yet, it took me a while before I was able to see what was really happening and realized that I had to stop the madness. I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, but my judgment was clouded by the thought of having someone. It even took me a while to learn from my mistakes – as I continued seeking someone, I attempted dating others that had characteristics that I didn’t find appealing. I felt that I had to keep lowering my standards in order to find someone.
You know what you truly deserve. Anything less is a recipe for disaster.
5. You become depressed or angry.
The consequences of bad decisions, low self-esteem, and settling for a perceived unhappy lifestyle can cause depression or even excessive anger. Depression causes disordered thinking and judgment, and can keep you from functioning and doing simple everyday things.
Anger can cause you to blame others for your problems and you may feel like getting revenge on those that have mistreated you. It is common to want to strike back at people who have caused great pain. However, nothing good is ever accomplished by hateful language or actions.
While sadness, grief, and anger are normal reactions to discouraging events, they need to be followed by a plan for recovery.
6. You engage in self-destructive behavior.
A common result of depression is self-destructive behavior. This could be such things as overeating or overspending of money, or even more severe things such as drug or alcohol addiction or suicide attempts. You may be thinking, “I’ll never get that bad.” I hope you never do get that bad, but as a person falls deeper into depression, their ability to think clearly is greatly decreased. At this point, you want to stop the bad feelings, so, in a state of irrational thinking, you look to such things in order to escape the pain.
By the end of 1998, I had lost almost all my money from the bad decisions I had described earlier. I still hadn’t found a satisfactory relationship. My self-esteem was non-existent. I felt there was no way for me to be happy. I was extremely depressed. I felt it was impossible for things to get any better. I wished that I was dead. I thought about suicide constantly and attempted it several times. I had gone down the entire path of destruction in one year. The year before, I had said that I was going to keep trying to find someone until I got it right, even if it killed me - and it almost did.
Being single is not worth letting things get this bad. If you let such problems continue to take their toll, you will end up on some type of self-destructive path. The best way to avoid a path of destruction is to simply become aware of it. If you find yourself on a path of destruction, then take immediate action to get yourself out. Don’t allow yourself to be taken hostage by your singleness. When it comes to being single, you have to take control of the problems before the problems take control of you. The further down the path of destruction you go, the harder it will be to get out.
If self-help strategies are not helping or you find that you are using drugs or alcohol, or turning to destructive behavior in order to cope, please immediately seek outside or professional assistance.
Don’t
let being single destroy you. Let being single strengthen you.
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1: Study conducted by the Online Publishers
Association (OPA) and comScore Networks.